ahhh havent been updating in weeks. Not that work's REALLY busy. Just doing the usual work, the usual duties, as usual. I was just in a kind of 'i-have-already-blogged-in-my-head-so-i'm-lazy-to-blog-in-words' mood. Lol i think many long-time bloggers would hav this habit bah. And here i am blogging, as the backgrd musics of the live NDP telecast echoed into my rm. been wanting to write this for days, that so much had happened in the past one yr. for those not in the know, this day last yr i was also watching the NDP, but outside my ward at the TV lounge. in a wheelchair lol. a few days back i was at a driving centre, grimacing in pain as i lay helpless on the tarmac road. I knocked myself over road kerb while learning to ride my bike... After exhaustive examinations, i was found with internal bleeding in my spleen. so i had to take e pain and went ahead with the op. the first few hrs in the hospital were the most... 难熬. After the op, found myself literally drifting in and out of consciousness in an ICU ward. with my parents and relatives and friends watching over me. i felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness; my family had to help me with everything, while i couldnt do anything but to rest. Truly those were the very trying moments. But i didnt expect sth worse to happen in the months that followed..After my mc, returned to my unit. when my nightmare started. i started feeling very detached frm my bunkmates and almost everyone in the unit. couldnt slp well either, always feeling inferior to the others because of my accident. all e while i knew it was my thoughts influencing my mood swings, but i just couldnt control it. And eventually i lost it i think. i started to hate returning to camp, and was always preoccupied with suicidal thoughts. always crying out of no reason. i duno, but a question kept pounding my head: 'What am i living for, since all humans die anyway?' And on it went, my situation spiralled out of control, with me even attempting suicide. I swear upon my life now it was the stupidest thing i, or anyone, shld do. i thought i totally broke my parents' hearts. since then i popped in and out of psychiatric wards, living each day as though it was a void, just sucking hope out of my life. Neither medication nor counselling knocked any sense into me at that time, for a long time. 'Cause i kept avoiding the obvious problems. A long time before i decided to snap out of my breakdowns. I guessed my family gave me most of what i needed, to leave all the wreckage i've made behind. I can never thank them enough. Even now as i blog down all this, 我还是心有余悸。sometimes the crippling fears i used to experience still creeps up on me, as i try to dismiss them. However, i think i've learnt some valuable lessons out of these few months of hiatus, and know that there're still people out there whom are still important to me, important enough for me to still embrace optimism. 本とに、ありがとう！Labels: Updates
roadman_fake whizzed by at 6:01 PM
